fundamental logic

wow, with a title like that this should be all college like.
instead it is just me ranting in my head.

with a touch of non-soberness.
and yes that is a flipping word. because i said so.
i have had several margaritas at the big ranch....translate that back into its native tongue my friends and you have my favorite neighborhood hot spot for margaritas, hair gel and lots of smiles. i love the big ranch.
that whore that ruined my marriage---heidi ihde---she has had several margaritas at the big ranch with me and my friends. i let her into my inner circle. what can i say? i am pretty damn stupid when it comes to matters of the heart. i was really stupid when it came to her.

here i am. today. eight years ago today, i was toasting my happily ever after. i had really good make up, great hair and a gorgeous dress. granted i did not want to marry that fool. somewhere in the pit of my stomach i longed for my michael to show up and save me. he did not show up until last september. that was the time i suppose. but eight years ago, i thought i was getting married once and for all.

i assumed when michael did not show up to stop it, he would never. about 2 years into being married i really focused on my whole life going forward. i let go of all hope of my michael and i focused on my life with mr. mac. big. fucking. mistake.

i was blindsided when my husband slept with heidi ihde. when she crept in behind my back, for what? to do what? sleep with a younger man? to sleep with someone with more than her husband or to just try and be me? i suppose those are the questions i could ask myself until the end of time but the point is, i don't have to ask.

my husband slept with someone else and ended our marriage. he lied. he cheated. he betrayed all that i held dear. i was a fool to marry him. i should have stuck with my gut and held onto my love for my michael from day one. no matter how silly it may seem to anyone with a brain in their head. i gave up all hope for my michael and with that he gave up all hope for himself. it put us on a road that we are both crawling out of to this day. but we are doing it together.

so my wedding pictures make me sad. such a naive girl. my smile is so far gone. i have lost all that innocence. i may never trust a soul again. i feel sorry for heidi ihde's husband and family as they stand in her enormous shadow. but on the other hand, i thank them all for the lack of attention they gave her. the selfish actions that she carried out with my husband, the damage she did to my family did nothing but bring me back to my first love.

he is my michael. he is the air that i breathe and i have missed him dearly. because even as mr. mac continues to take the material things from me, even as the images of mr. mac and heidi ihde permeate my brain on the days that the cancer wears me out.....i still have the hope of a brighter day. that hope is brought to me simply because i know i have suffered and my children have suffered because of selfish ugly adults.

no way on this earth is that the way life will happen.
so i may be sad. i may cry today. i think of mimi. mellany. jabbar. derrick and of course mac. those people who i stood with and solemnly swore to honor my days forward......i think of them for a hot second.

then i remember i have a life to lead. not a soul is looking out for me but me and it is time to get on with it.

in love.
in peace.
in calm.
in harmony.
in love.