unconditional love

it was implied that you should love people unconditionally, as in love adults without condition in order to teach children lessons in how life goes....
it was implied by heidi.
that i should love mr. mac without condition and that would stop damaging my children...
interesting theory.

well, no not interesting.
it is insulting.
see i believe more in loyalty.
no life comes without conditions.
i don't live in a democratic arena of ambivalence and free love.
i function with action and consequence.
gray area, not so much
i own action. i own consequence and i will call you on yours too.

i made a mistake.
i allowed myself to love someone besides michael.
my michael. no matter his flaws, i should have never allowed myself to choose another human when i knew i was not healed.
i should have made a better choice.
instead of marrying someone and forcing myself to fall in love and growing a life based on a friendship i should have worried about my own heart. let it heal. or not heal.
but i decided to love mr. mac and ours was a love that was based less on the heart and more on the life. the life we lived and built.
the life that he destroyed with one act.
i made a mistake with females.
i allowed someone into my innercircle as my friend.
i made those mistakes.
it failed.
humans failed other humans.
emotions are entwined. life can hurt in ways you cannot imagine.

maybe that is what teaches you about the loves you must own in this world.
the ones you loved always.
i own my poor choices.
i own my poor decisions.
if cowards like mr. mac and heidi ihde want to hide behind their excuse of my lack of compassion toward their affair or their post affair actions of blame.
i could love no one but my own children without condition.
if leaving a man who betrayed me and forgiving a woman who lied to me is teaching my children poor lessons......i do not think they are not lessons in unconditional love.

the divorce hurt.
the affair hurt.
i have no ego.
i have nothing left but my children and my love.
both of which make me smile.

mortal humans are not created to prescribe unconditional love.
that is fact.
facts are not ambivalent.

how one becomes was-band

i have an estranged husband.
that word makes me laugh. its so springer. so maury.
estranged.

yet, i would not call him estranged.
i would not call him husband.

i call him was-band, when i am being kind.
usually i go for bitch-ass-crybaby-sissy

here's the short of it.
mac sleeps with heidi.
heidi and mac lie to me.
heidi takes my job so she can keep me out of office and keep him.
i move out thinking i am just getting a divorce.
heidi plays my friend.
mac plays me.
mac gets caught.
he wants to try and make it work.
heidi says he made it up and i suck for believing him.
heidi's dumb ass husband blames me. poor guy.
i try.
i counsel.
i church.
i try.
but no go.
i get an attorney.
i get on with life.
he gets bitter.
i get a boyfriend-when old boyfriend becomes new again !
i get a new attorney.
we try to be reasonable.
he files ignorant motions.
we file rational.
he files stupid.
he whines he needs spousal support.
he cries i have a boyfriend.

HEY ASSHOLE you had a fat fat fat and i mean just FAT ass girlfriend for a year. on the side. in motels. in cars. in my old house. you racked up debt and phone bills talking to her. you put your household in debt. you lost our house.

THIS IS A CONSEQUENCE OF YOUR ACTIONS.

now. was-band-mac is a Bitch-ass cry baby.
and heidi ihde is still just fat.

but i will still fight for my life to go on.....

estranged my ass.