unconditional love

it was implied that you should love people unconditionally, as in love adults without condition in order to teach children lessons in how life goes....
it was implied by heidi.
that i should love mr. mac without condition and that would stop damaging my children...
interesting theory.

well, no not interesting.
it is insulting.
see i believe more in loyalty.
no life comes without conditions.
i don't live in a democratic arena of ambivalence and free love.
i function with action and consequence.
gray area, not so much
i own action. i own consequence and i will call you on yours too.

i made a mistake.
i allowed myself to love someone besides michael.
my michael. no matter his flaws, i should have never allowed myself to choose another human when i knew i was not healed.
i should have made a better choice.
instead of marrying someone and forcing myself to fall in love and growing a life based on a friendship i should have worried about my own heart. let it heal. or not heal.
but i decided to love mr. mac and ours was a love that was based less on the heart and more on the life. the life we lived and built.
the life that he destroyed with one act.
i made a mistake with females.
i allowed someone into my innercircle as my friend.
i made those mistakes.
it failed.
humans failed other humans.
emotions are entwined. life can hurt in ways you cannot imagine.

maybe that is what teaches you about the loves you must own in this world.
the ones you loved always.
i own my poor choices.
i own my poor decisions.
if cowards like mr. mac and heidi ihde want to hide behind their excuse of my lack of compassion toward their affair or their post affair actions of blame.
i could love no one but my own children without condition.
if leaving a man who betrayed me and forgiving a woman who lied to me is teaching my children poor lessons......i do not think they are not lessons in unconditional love.

the divorce hurt.
the affair hurt.
i have no ego.
i have nothing left but my children and my love.
both of which make me smile.

mortal humans are not created to prescribe unconditional love.
that is fact.
facts are not ambivalent.

how one becomes was-band

i have an estranged husband.
that word makes me laugh. its so springer. so maury.
estranged.

yet, i would not call him estranged.
i would not call him husband.

i call him was-band, when i am being kind.
usually i go for bitch-ass-crybaby-sissy

here's the short of it.
mac sleeps with heidi.
heidi and mac lie to me.
heidi takes my job so she can keep me out of office and keep him.
i move out thinking i am just getting a divorce.
heidi plays my friend.
mac plays me.
mac gets caught.
he wants to try and make it work.
heidi says he made it up and i suck for believing him.
heidi's dumb ass husband blames me. poor guy.
i try.
i counsel.
i church.
i try.
but no go.
i get an attorney.
i get on with life.
he gets bitter.
i get a boyfriend-when old boyfriend becomes new again !
i get a new attorney.
we try to be reasonable.
he files ignorant motions.
we file rational.
he files stupid.
he whines he needs spousal support.
he cries i have a boyfriend.

HEY ASSHOLE you had a fat fat fat and i mean just FAT ass girlfriend for a year. on the side. in motels. in cars. in my old house. you racked up debt and phone bills talking to her. you put your household in debt. you lost our house.

THIS IS A CONSEQUENCE OF YOUR ACTIONS.

now. was-band-mac is a Bitch-ass cry baby.
and heidi ihde is still just fat.

but i will still fight for my life to go on.....

estranged my ass.

thanks

summer love....
i am always more lovey in the summer
i love the smells of summer
the tightness of skin after a day at the pool, the flushed cheeks, the way you just want to strip down and be closer
the sun highlights my hair naturally, always has. the tan makes my green eyes brighter.
my michael makes me smile. makes me margaritas. makes me laugh. makes me....me.
his appearance in my life again is bringing me back to center.

taking me out of this funk that has held onto my soul since the summer was ruined by mr. mac two years ago. i took so much on my heart. it manifested in my kidneys. it manifested in several broken bones to come. the life we had was just going on in no semblance of order, we were faking it to make it. but we did not make it.

we did not make it.
today i can totally accept that.
today i can stomach it.
today i can deal with it.
today i can breathe and say that with a smile and without regret.

i would not trade a moment of the hurt for the lessons learned.
i learned to fight all that i believed and held true. i questioned it. i did not stay because my society and my quaint little mid-western life told me i should. i did not stay because mr. mac was a liar and a cheater. i did not stay because he willingly allowed heidi ihde to manipulate and hurt our family. this has all been proven in a simple journal entry written by my daughter. it made me cry. she asked what did she ever do to heidi and mr. mac to deserve this as her life now? couldn't they have just told the truth and let her have her nice life she used to have and stop taking it all away. it made me sad for her. because i knew it had to hurt.

so not a moment traded for the lessons learned.
i protect these children.
i protect my love.
i trust no female.
i love still.
i will have my summer and never have another ruined. i love summer. i love life. i love my kids. i love my brudders. i love my mommy. i love my michael. i love white sheets. i love hotel beds that stay sturdy. i love date night. i love sand in my toes. i love my kells. i love our festivals. i love margaritas. i love cookouts and passing out in his golf shirt.
they can shake me. they can try to hurt me. but they gave me my loves again.

thanks.

this has been a horrible week.
not just because of the un-anniversary.

well just because.
i am sick and tired of life sometimes.

i am growing out of the sad phase. getting less angry and hitting the point of shock again.

is this my life?
where is my old life?

fundamental logic

wow, with a title like that this should be all college like.
instead it is just me ranting in my head.

with a touch of non-soberness.
and yes that is a flipping word. because i said so.
i have had several margaritas at the big ranch....translate that back into its native tongue my friends and you have my favorite neighborhood hot spot for margaritas, hair gel and lots of smiles. i love the big ranch.
that whore that ruined my marriage---heidi ihde---she has had several margaritas at the big ranch with me and my friends. i let her into my inner circle. what can i say? i am pretty damn stupid when it comes to matters of the heart. i was really stupid when it came to her.

here i am. today. eight years ago today, i was toasting my happily ever after. i had really good make up, great hair and a gorgeous dress. granted i did not want to marry that fool. somewhere in the pit of my stomach i longed for my michael to show up and save me. he did not show up until last september. that was the time i suppose. but eight years ago, i thought i was getting married once and for all.

i assumed when michael did not show up to stop it, he would never. about 2 years into being married i really focused on my whole life going forward. i let go of all hope of my michael and i focused on my life with mr. mac. big. fucking. mistake.

i was blindsided when my husband slept with heidi ihde. when she crept in behind my back, for what? to do what? sleep with a younger man? to sleep with someone with more than her husband or to just try and be me? i suppose those are the questions i could ask myself until the end of time but the point is, i don't have to ask.

my husband slept with someone else and ended our marriage. he lied. he cheated. he betrayed all that i held dear. i was a fool to marry him. i should have stuck with my gut and held onto my love for my michael from day one. no matter how silly it may seem to anyone with a brain in their head. i gave up all hope for my michael and with that he gave up all hope for himself. it put us on a road that we are both crawling out of to this day. but we are doing it together.

so my wedding pictures make me sad. such a naive girl. my smile is so far gone. i have lost all that innocence. i may never trust a soul again. i feel sorry for heidi ihde's husband and family as they stand in her enormous shadow. but on the other hand, i thank them all for the lack of attention they gave her. the selfish actions that she carried out with my husband, the damage she did to my family did nothing but bring me back to my first love.

he is my michael. he is the air that i breathe and i have missed him dearly. because even as mr. mac continues to take the material things from me, even as the images of mr. mac and heidi ihde permeate my brain on the days that the cancer wears me out.....i still have the hope of a brighter day. that hope is brought to me simply because i know i have suffered and my children have suffered because of selfish ugly adults.

no way on this earth is that the way life will happen.
so i may be sad. i may cry today. i think of mimi. mellany. jabbar. derrick and of course mac. those people who i stood with and solemnly swore to honor my days forward......i think of them for a hot second.

then i remember i have a life to lead. not a soul is looking out for me but me and it is time to get on with it.

in love.
in peace.
in calm.
in harmony.
in love.

thinking

• do i try
• how hard do you try
• can you believe
• do you make yourself
• what can you ignore
• everytime the phone rings....can you ignore that
• everytime you see an initial close to hers on a text, do you ignore that too
• what about the email account you did not know about
• how about the cell bill that goes to no where
• the girl at work with an attitude
• do you ignore her too
• you know the one who left the messages about the movies
• the one who left the texts at 9 pm
• but she is just an associate and she got the email about the inappropriate contact
• do you continue to ignore that
• how long do you ignore it all

see at some point all the things you ignore, the things you talk yourself out of, or better yet the things you talk yourself into become the things that you can no longer manage. you cannot compartmentalize them. you cannot hide them away in some tidy little box from the container store. you envy that entire collection of boxes and storage for the baggage and messiness that is life. but here you sit with your flimsy display of IKEA storage, life just oozing at the seams. life just making messes faster than you can organize it. the common denominator being.

you are ignoring what is right in front of your face.

you are not happy.

not only are you unhappy with him. but because of him.

from this moment there is no going back.

you said it outloud.

you are not happy. jessica erin. you are not happy. you are not. not for one shining second. you are not happy. your marriage has failed. crashed and burned. you are miserable. miserable and sinking fast. you are not eating worth a damn. your manic phases outweigh the phases of depression three fold and are manifesting in severe exercise and anorexia. you are deciding how to run away again because you are miserable. those two little girls are your saving grace in this moment and because of his poor choices you are still damaging them. you reproduced with men who love their children but have treated you poorly. it is time for you to admit that you are miserable. you are not happy. you are not happy.

you cannot ignore it another waking moment.

not a soul on earth can make you happy but you. you need to decide right now what will make you happy and make a change tomorrow. decide what will make you happy and make a change the next day. keep moving forward.

because living another moment knowing you are not happy.

is.not.living.

get shorty

when you date the boys i date, you have been called a few things
ma
kid
sugar
and my least favorite shorty
i hate shorty
but today it is get to the list shorty

i am sorting through my lists......
listing out my life.
sorting out my life.
what do i want to deal with

today is mostly my eating issues
i cannot eat certain things
i cannot eat regularly
i have gone back to controlling food because of the out of control nature of life
i have done this for years
i see it coming on again and it scares me because last time it consumed me
i can't eat this because.....
i won't eat that because......

the bottom line is, i will not be fat.
being fat is not the reason i was cheated on.
i was cheated on because he was a poor excuse for a husband and she was a horrible friend.
i was cheated on because i did not pay attention to the life that was in front of me, i was trying to advance my career and did not take into consideration that my husband was trying to advance his pckr into a fat girl....so even if i was fat--fat was not the reason.
fat does not lead to cheating no matter what anyone says.

my eating issues are control issues.
the relate to money. the relate to life. they relate to kids. the issues are mine to own.