how do you know

how do you know when to leave?

funny thing is, frankly, i did not know.
see when i left he followed. the end did not come until i set up for the end. made him leave me out of his own searching. i told him not to ask the questions he did not want the answers to, but he did. he even played detective. something those who are not used to playing, shouldn't play. when you gamble for the first time, you never head for poker, you start with easy crap like slots. blackjack if you have an ounce of intelligence. he has neither intelligence or experience in the world of a woman scorned. he gambled the hell out of this one and lost.

i digress.....as i often do. i will get back to that someday.

i left physically before i found out about the affair with heidi ihde. i left several months before that. which is part of what is so sickening in all of this. she not only ruined my house, my HOUSE in the burbs with the perfect makings of a lifetime home for my children. heidi's skank butt also tainted my current home.

one day, i just asked him. do you not want to be married anymore?
he answered, simply. no. i do not want to be with you another day.
i moved out with the kids by the following weekend. the house went on the market and that was where it started to crumble. even though he followed. even though he showered me with i am so sorry. even though he let me cry myself to sleep. he came back and i thought that showed some real balls. ha!

little did i know it started on a boat in seattle. heidi dug her claws into my husband that night and never let go. her own husband made several comments that i should be uneasy.
with the true naive disposition of a southern mannered wife, i said i am not worried about HIM. i can honestly say i was not worried at all. he had loved me since he was 15 years old. anyone will tell you that. he waited years for me to go on that first date with him. he was MY husband. mine alone. the one who sat by me many nights and watched me sleep. HE would not cheat on ME, he LOVED me. again, ha!

i mean really heidi is a fat cow compared to me. she is crass and though she may be the life of the party, really-really? just really?

but her pot smoking. her ability to go into a hustler store with no shame. her constant talk of being bent over something. her meat eating. her money flaunting. her guarantees of silence.
are those the things that took him to her?

i will never know. mr mac lies. heidi lies.
in the end, what i did know was as i searched through things. as i found myself playing these if this, then that games. as i found myself facing a serious bout of anorexia. i learned i was just gambling myself. this time the devil held the cards.

i learned you cannot stay for the kids. you cannot do it. you cannot make yourself fall in love with someone. i learned to forgive my michael, because what he did was never so heinous. i was holding on to so much anger for him, when this man, this husband of mine had behaved so much worse. i learned that all the embarrassment i had was mine alone. they did not care. they had an affair.

an affair is all about the people involved. not the secondary people like spouses, not even the tertiary people like children and parents matter. what matters is their fulfillment, their own behavior is theirs alone. cheap. common. tawdry at best.
they never loved each other like they said they did or they would have never backed down when "caught".
no they betrayed their spouses based on their own delusions of grandeur.
no one is at fault for that.

when i knew i would not get over it.
when i knew i could not stop seeing him with her.
heidi ihde's fat ass next to my husband in some tawdry hotel room.
when i knew the manipulations they played at the expense of my children, my house and my career meant nothing to them.
when i tried to stop thinking about it.
when i laid awake at night.
when his touch made me vomit.

that is when i knew i had left the marriage.
it was just a matter of deciding how to go forth.