she is so pretty
pretty on the outside was the response more than once.
i have parted my lips and said things like:
"i may be a bitch, but i will never be ugly"
"i may be fat, but i will never be ugly"
"he cheated on me with her, but i am PRETTY..*insert
sobbing and pitiful fist pounding*..she is FATTTTTT"
here i sit. wondering where do i go from here? i was a sorority girl. i was a college athlete. i dated cute boys. i have reproduced with even prettier ones. but it all falls down.
how do i look up and face the reality that is my life?
reality is such a funny, skewed, and demented little person. he follows me around like a nagging, well a nagging mother. we discuss her too
pretty on the outside was the response more than once.
i have parted my lips and said things like:
"i may be a bitch, but i will never be ugly"
"i may be fat, but i will never be ugly"
"he cheated on me with her, but i am PRETTY..*insert
sobbing and pitiful fist pounding*..she is FATTTTTT"
here i sit. wondering where do i go from here? i was a sorority girl. i was a college athlete. i dated cute boys. i have reproduced with even prettier ones. but it all falls down.
how do i look up and face the reality that is my life?
reality is such a funny, skewed, and demented little person. he follows me around like a nagging, well a nagging mother. we discuss her too
heidi ihde did me a favor. she had an affair with my husband at the time.
it is so common and pathetic now that it makes me laugh a little bit. i mean really, do people with the name heidi ihde get to have affairs with their friend's husbands, in hotel rooms in small midwestern cities like cincinnati? she is the fat girl. not like, she is plump. she is fat. he cheated on me with a so-called friend that was fat. hell dude, i have plenty of hot friends. couldn't pick one of them at least. it would have been better for my ego. the subsequent eating disorder too.
if would not have destroyed life as they knew it for my children, it would make me laugh hysterically. i mean laugh until my sides hurt. instead the immediate fall out was a nice run with anorexia. a true exercise compulsion. then as my sweet elderly family members died around me, i was struck with total misery.
you see there are outcomes for every action in this life. i know that all too well. my ex husband, mr. mac. he still does not get it. i hope he gets it one day. for the sake of our daughter who thinks the world of him.
poor thing. i remember when i thought my dad was immortal. broke my heart when i realized he was actually human. a man of flesh and blood who could make mistakes. i was 21 at the time, god willing my child will realize at like 8 that daddy's cannot save the world.
anyway, heidi ihde slept with mr. mac and they lied to me. it hurt. i tried to get over it and never did. i geared up and played super mom, super gym rat and wonder woman all summer. i tried to act like i was okay. it was a sham. i admit that. i faked it like a 40 year old housewife faking an orgasm. except i faked "my marriage is fine" and "this too shall pass" and "god only gives you what you can handle". faked it like a flipping champ.
i was not fine.
that fall, i walked into a courtroom with my oldest daughter's dad. we were together before mr. mac and i got married (clearly). we have not said more than 4 words to each other in about10 years. for the first time in 10 years we made real eye contact. in that moment we realized we had really screwed up. trying to be married to someone else was by far the dumbest thing we had ever done. so we stopped. i filed for my divorce within weeks. my michael became just that again.
heidi ihde did me a favor. she took away the life i was never meant to be in, but i still hate her for lying to me. i still hate her for hurting my children. i still hate her for being less than a woman and never facing me. i still hate her petty ways and her insults to me, the nerve. she slept with my husband and lied to hers. yet, she has the audacity to be mean to me? patently crazy.
mr. mac, i forgive him the affair. he is just a weak man, he was manipulated by a woman smarter and larger than he was. mr. mac is not so smart. pretty. god he was pretty, but not social like me. not determined like me. just an ass like me. he was my best friend which was never enough for him. he wanted to be my michael. which he could never be.
now as i wake up to my michael again. i smile.
but there are days i realize, i must deal with all of this residual bullshit and self esteem sucking behavior of others. i cannot control other so called adults. but i can control how i deal with their fall out. i have to stop controlling it with lack of food or running until i have clots in my feet. i have to stop controlling it by worrying about my michael or my children day in and day out.
see why i need this i am all over the place. maybe i should bullet list. sort through what i want to discuss and spill my guts on....
- mr. mac then
- mr. mac now
- my michael-old school
- my michael-now
- my michael's nutty ex wife
- heidi ihde and her husband antagonizing me
- heidi ihde the liar
- heidi ihde the common gutter slut
- my eating issues now
- my exercise issues now
- life goes on.....
