unconditional love

it was implied that you should love people unconditionally, as in love adults without condition in order to teach children lessons in how life goes....
it was implied by heidi.
that i should love mr. mac without condition and that would stop damaging my children...
interesting theory.

well, no not interesting.
it is insulting.
see i believe more in loyalty.
no life comes without conditions.
i don't live in a democratic arena of ambivalence and free love.
i function with action and consequence.
gray area, not so much
i own action. i own consequence and i will call you on yours too.

i made a mistake.
i allowed myself to love someone besides michael.
my michael. no matter his flaws, i should have never allowed myself to choose another human when i knew i was not healed.
i should have made a better choice.
instead of marrying someone and forcing myself to fall in love and growing a life based on a friendship i should have worried about my own heart. let it heal. or not heal.
but i decided to love mr. mac and ours was a love that was based less on the heart and more on the life. the life we lived and built.
the life that he destroyed with one act.
i made a mistake with females.
i allowed someone into my innercircle as my friend.
i made those mistakes.
it failed.
humans failed other humans.
emotions are entwined. life can hurt in ways you cannot imagine.

maybe that is what teaches you about the loves you must own in this world.
the ones you loved always.
i own my poor choices.
i own my poor decisions.
if cowards like mr. mac and heidi ihde want to hide behind their excuse of my lack of compassion toward their affair or their post affair actions of blame.
i could love no one but my own children without condition.
if leaving a man who betrayed me and forgiving a woman who lied to me is teaching my children poor lessons......i do not think they are not lessons in unconditional love.

the divorce hurt.
the affair hurt.
i have no ego.
i have nothing left but my children and my love.
both of which make me smile.

mortal humans are not created to prescribe unconditional love.
that is fact.
facts are not ambivalent.

how one becomes was-band

i have an estranged husband.
that word makes me laugh. its so springer. so maury.
estranged.

yet, i would not call him estranged.
i would not call him husband.

i call him was-band, when i am being kind.
usually i go for bitch-ass-crybaby-sissy

here's the short of it.
mac sleeps with heidi.
heidi and mac lie to me.
heidi takes my job so she can keep me out of office and keep him.
i move out thinking i am just getting a divorce.
heidi plays my friend.
mac plays me.
mac gets caught.
he wants to try and make it work.
heidi says he made it up and i suck for believing him.
heidi's dumb ass husband blames me. poor guy.
i try.
i counsel.
i church.
i try.
but no go.
i get an attorney.
i get on with life.
he gets bitter.
i get a boyfriend-when old boyfriend becomes new again !
i get a new attorney.
we try to be reasonable.
he files ignorant motions.
we file rational.
he files stupid.
he whines he needs spousal support.
he cries i have a boyfriend.

HEY ASSHOLE you had a fat fat fat and i mean just FAT ass girlfriend for a year. on the side. in motels. in cars. in my old house. you racked up debt and phone bills talking to her. you put your household in debt. you lost our house.

THIS IS A CONSEQUENCE OF YOUR ACTIONS.

now. was-band-mac is a Bitch-ass cry baby.
and heidi ihde is still just fat.

but i will still fight for my life to go on.....

estranged my ass.

thanks

summer love....
i am always more lovey in the summer
i love the smells of summer
the tightness of skin after a day at the pool, the flushed cheeks, the way you just want to strip down and be closer
the sun highlights my hair naturally, always has. the tan makes my green eyes brighter.
my michael makes me smile. makes me margaritas. makes me laugh. makes me....me.
his appearance in my life again is bringing me back to center.

taking me out of this funk that has held onto my soul since the summer was ruined by mr. mac two years ago. i took so much on my heart. it manifested in my kidneys. it manifested in several broken bones to come. the life we had was just going on in no semblance of order, we were faking it to make it. but we did not make it.

we did not make it.
today i can totally accept that.
today i can stomach it.
today i can deal with it.
today i can breathe and say that with a smile and without regret.

i would not trade a moment of the hurt for the lessons learned.
i learned to fight all that i believed and held true. i questioned it. i did not stay because my society and my quaint little mid-western life told me i should. i did not stay because mr. mac was a liar and a cheater. i did not stay because he willingly allowed heidi ihde to manipulate and hurt our family. this has all been proven in a simple journal entry written by my daughter. it made me cry. she asked what did she ever do to heidi and mr. mac to deserve this as her life now? couldn't they have just told the truth and let her have her nice life she used to have and stop taking it all away. it made me sad for her. because i knew it had to hurt.

so not a moment traded for the lessons learned.
i protect these children.
i protect my love.
i trust no female.
i love still.
i will have my summer and never have another ruined. i love summer. i love life. i love my kids. i love my brudders. i love my mommy. i love my michael. i love white sheets. i love hotel beds that stay sturdy. i love date night. i love sand in my toes. i love my kells. i love our festivals. i love margaritas. i love cookouts and passing out in his golf shirt.
they can shake me. they can try to hurt me. but they gave me my loves again.

thanks.

this has been a horrible week.
not just because of the un-anniversary.

well just because.
i am sick and tired of life sometimes.

i am growing out of the sad phase. getting less angry and hitting the point of shock again.

is this my life?
where is my old life?

fundamental logic

wow, with a title like that this should be all college like.
instead it is just me ranting in my head.

with a touch of non-soberness.
and yes that is a flipping word. because i said so.
i have had several margaritas at the big ranch....translate that back into its native tongue my friends and you have my favorite neighborhood hot spot for margaritas, hair gel and lots of smiles. i love the big ranch.
that whore that ruined my marriage---heidi ihde---she has had several margaritas at the big ranch with me and my friends. i let her into my inner circle. what can i say? i am pretty damn stupid when it comes to matters of the heart. i was really stupid when it came to her.

here i am. today. eight years ago today, i was toasting my happily ever after. i had really good make up, great hair and a gorgeous dress. granted i did not want to marry that fool. somewhere in the pit of my stomach i longed for my michael to show up and save me. he did not show up until last september. that was the time i suppose. but eight years ago, i thought i was getting married once and for all.

i assumed when michael did not show up to stop it, he would never. about 2 years into being married i really focused on my whole life going forward. i let go of all hope of my michael and i focused on my life with mr. mac. big. fucking. mistake.

i was blindsided when my husband slept with heidi ihde. when she crept in behind my back, for what? to do what? sleep with a younger man? to sleep with someone with more than her husband or to just try and be me? i suppose those are the questions i could ask myself until the end of time but the point is, i don't have to ask.

my husband slept with someone else and ended our marriage. he lied. he cheated. he betrayed all that i held dear. i was a fool to marry him. i should have stuck with my gut and held onto my love for my michael from day one. no matter how silly it may seem to anyone with a brain in their head. i gave up all hope for my michael and with that he gave up all hope for himself. it put us on a road that we are both crawling out of to this day. but we are doing it together.

so my wedding pictures make me sad. such a naive girl. my smile is so far gone. i have lost all that innocence. i may never trust a soul again. i feel sorry for heidi ihde's husband and family as they stand in her enormous shadow. but on the other hand, i thank them all for the lack of attention they gave her. the selfish actions that she carried out with my husband, the damage she did to my family did nothing but bring me back to my first love.

he is my michael. he is the air that i breathe and i have missed him dearly. because even as mr. mac continues to take the material things from me, even as the images of mr. mac and heidi ihde permeate my brain on the days that the cancer wears me out.....i still have the hope of a brighter day. that hope is brought to me simply because i know i have suffered and my children have suffered because of selfish ugly adults.

no way on this earth is that the way life will happen.
so i may be sad. i may cry today. i think of mimi. mellany. jabbar. derrick and of course mac. those people who i stood with and solemnly swore to honor my days forward......i think of them for a hot second.

then i remember i have a life to lead. not a soul is looking out for me but me and it is time to get on with it.

in love.
in peace.
in calm.
in harmony.
in love.

thinking

• do i try
• how hard do you try
• can you believe
• do you make yourself
• what can you ignore
• everytime the phone rings....can you ignore that
• everytime you see an initial close to hers on a text, do you ignore that too
• what about the email account you did not know about
• how about the cell bill that goes to no where
• the girl at work with an attitude
• do you ignore her too
• you know the one who left the messages about the movies
• the one who left the texts at 9 pm
• but she is just an associate and she got the email about the inappropriate contact
• do you continue to ignore that
• how long do you ignore it all

see at some point all the things you ignore, the things you talk yourself out of, or better yet the things you talk yourself into become the things that you can no longer manage. you cannot compartmentalize them. you cannot hide them away in some tidy little box from the container store. you envy that entire collection of boxes and storage for the baggage and messiness that is life. but here you sit with your flimsy display of IKEA storage, life just oozing at the seams. life just making messes faster than you can organize it. the common denominator being.

you are ignoring what is right in front of your face.

you are not happy.

not only are you unhappy with him. but because of him.

from this moment there is no going back.

you said it outloud.

you are not happy. jessica erin. you are not happy. you are not. not for one shining second. you are not happy. your marriage has failed. crashed and burned. you are miserable. miserable and sinking fast. you are not eating worth a damn. your manic phases outweigh the phases of depression three fold and are manifesting in severe exercise and anorexia. you are deciding how to run away again because you are miserable. those two little girls are your saving grace in this moment and because of his poor choices you are still damaging them. you reproduced with men who love their children but have treated you poorly. it is time for you to admit that you are miserable. you are not happy. you are not happy.

you cannot ignore it another waking moment.

not a soul on earth can make you happy but you. you need to decide right now what will make you happy and make a change tomorrow. decide what will make you happy and make a change the next day. keep moving forward.

because living another moment knowing you are not happy.

is.not.living.

get shorty

when you date the boys i date, you have been called a few things
ma
kid
sugar
and my least favorite shorty
i hate shorty
but today it is get to the list shorty

i am sorting through my lists......
listing out my life.
sorting out my life.
what do i want to deal with

today is mostly my eating issues
i cannot eat certain things
i cannot eat regularly
i have gone back to controlling food because of the out of control nature of life
i have done this for years
i see it coming on again and it scares me because last time it consumed me
i can't eat this because.....
i won't eat that because......

the bottom line is, i will not be fat.
being fat is not the reason i was cheated on.
i was cheated on because he was a poor excuse for a husband and she was a horrible friend.
i was cheated on because i did not pay attention to the life that was in front of me, i was trying to advance my career and did not take into consideration that my husband was trying to advance his pckr into a fat girl....so even if i was fat--fat was not the reason.
fat does not lead to cheating no matter what anyone says.

my eating issues are control issues.
the relate to money. the relate to life. they relate to kids. the issues are mine to own.

tribute to stephanie, crappy but with heart

stephanie klein.
she is an author, she has a great blog and she got me through some of this.
at times i thought she read my mind.
the truest depth of my mind. where my heart stopped beating and the crazy occurred.
she was with me.

granted her WASband was a doctor, mine's a steelworker. so some issues were slightly off.
but i had empathy nonetheless......

the emotions of letting go of your best friend.
in my case the affair was between my best friend, heidi ihde and my best friend mr mac, my husband....how trailer trash, jerry springer and maury can you get. it is like a lunch special at your favorite cheap mexican joint.
with a side of beans and rice.

stephanie brought me through the first part.
she inspires me to do more for me. makes me wish. makes me dream. makes me decide.

more. i want more. not in the material sense. though, that never hurt anyone. but more out of myself and my life. i decide that. going forward, it is just that-my.life. he does not get to make decisions that impact me any further. even with all his spiteful behavior within the divorce. he sealed his fate.
he is a WASband
heidi is an adulteress heifer

may they live happily ever after.

this does not mean i do not miss them both, in memory.
in real life, they are impractical.
stuart weitzman's on a rainy day.

stephanie speaks to me. makes me laugh. makes me shake my head. makes me understand that i am not alone and i can survive.
for that i must say, i love my fellow lover of all things greek and tragic.
i appreciate my life.
i appreciate my love.
i appreciate how i was raised.
i appreciate those i love.

stephanie is on that list. for always.

how do you know

how do you know when to leave?

funny thing is, frankly, i did not know.
see when i left he followed. the end did not come until i set up for the end. made him leave me out of his own searching. i told him not to ask the questions he did not want the answers to, but he did. he even played detective. something those who are not used to playing, shouldn't play. when you gamble for the first time, you never head for poker, you start with easy crap like slots. blackjack if you have an ounce of intelligence. he has neither intelligence or experience in the world of a woman scorned. he gambled the hell out of this one and lost.

i digress.....as i often do. i will get back to that someday.

i left physically before i found out about the affair with heidi ihde. i left several months before that. which is part of what is so sickening in all of this. she not only ruined my house, my HOUSE in the burbs with the perfect makings of a lifetime home for my children. heidi's skank butt also tainted my current home.

one day, i just asked him. do you not want to be married anymore?
he answered, simply. no. i do not want to be with you another day.
i moved out with the kids by the following weekend. the house went on the market and that was where it started to crumble. even though he followed. even though he showered me with i am so sorry. even though he let me cry myself to sleep. he came back and i thought that showed some real balls. ha!

little did i know it started on a boat in seattle. heidi dug her claws into my husband that night and never let go. her own husband made several comments that i should be uneasy.
with the true naive disposition of a southern mannered wife, i said i am not worried about HIM. i can honestly say i was not worried at all. he had loved me since he was 15 years old. anyone will tell you that. he waited years for me to go on that first date with him. he was MY husband. mine alone. the one who sat by me many nights and watched me sleep. HE would not cheat on ME, he LOVED me. again, ha!

i mean really heidi is a fat cow compared to me. she is crass and though she may be the life of the party, really-really? just really?

but her pot smoking. her ability to go into a hustler store with no shame. her constant talk of being bent over something. her meat eating. her money flaunting. her guarantees of silence.
are those the things that took him to her?

i will never know. mr mac lies. heidi lies.
in the end, what i did know was as i searched through things. as i found myself playing these if this, then that games. as i found myself facing a serious bout of anorexia. i learned i was just gambling myself. this time the devil held the cards.

i learned you cannot stay for the kids. you cannot do it. you cannot make yourself fall in love with someone. i learned to forgive my michael, because what he did was never so heinous. i was holding on to so much anger for him, when this man, this husband of mine had behaved so much worse. i learned that all the embarrassment i had was mine alone. they did not care. they had an affair.

an affair is all about the people involved. not the secondary people like spouses, not even the tertiary people like children and parents matter. what matters is their fulfillment, their own behavior is theirs alone. cheap. common. tawdry at best.
they never loved each other like they said they did or they would have never backed down when "caught".
no they betrayed their spouses based on their own delusions of grandeur.
no one is at fault for that.

when i knew i would not get over it.
when i knew i could not stop seeing him with her.
heidi ihde's fat ass next to my husband in some tawdry hotel room.
when i knew the manipulations they played at the expense of my children, my house and my career meant nothing to them.
when i tried to stop thinking about it.
when i laid awake at night.
when his touch made me vomit.

that is when i knew i had left the marriage.
it was just a matter of deciding how to go forth.

start from the beginning....

i wrote this a long time ago...

she is so pretty
pretty on the outside was the response more than once.
i have parted my lips and said things like:
"i may be a bitch, but i will never be ugly"
"i may be fat, but i will never be ugly"
"he cheated on me with her, but i am PRETTY..*insert
sobbing and pitiful fist pounding*..she is FATTTTTT"

here i sit. wondering where do i go from here? i was a sorority girl. i was a college athlete. i dated cute boys. i have reproduced with even prettier ones. but it all falls down.

how do i look up and face the reality that is my life?

reality is such a funny, skewed, and demented little person. he follows me around like a nagging, well a nagging mother. we discuss her too

heidi ihde did me a favor. she had an affair with my husband at the time.

it is so common and pathetic now that it makes me laugh a little bit. i mean really, do people with the name heidi ihde get to have affairs with their friend's husbands, in hotel rooms in small midwestern cities like cincinnati? she is the fat girl. not like, she is plump. she is fat. he cheated on me with a so-called friend that was fat. hell dude, i have plenty of hot friends. couldn't pick one of them at least. it would have been better for my ego. the subsequent eating disorder too.

if would not have destroyed life as they knew it for my children, it would make me laugh hysterically. i mean laugh until my sides hurt. instead the immediate fall out was a nice run with anorexia. a true exercise compulsion. then as my sweet elderly family members died around me, i was struck with total misery.

you see there are outcomes for every action in this life. i know that all too well. my ex husband, mr. mac. he still does not get it. i hope he gets it one day. for the sake of our daughter who thinks the world of him.

poor thing. i remember when i thought my dad was immortal. broke my heart when i realized he was actually human. a man of flesh and blood who could make mistakes. i was 21 at the time, god willing my child will realize at like 8 that daddy's cannot save the world.

anyway, heidi ihde slept with mr. mac and they lied to me. it hurt. i tried to get over it and never did. i geared up and played super mom, super gym rat and wonder woman all summer. i tried to act like i was okay. it was a sham. i admit that. i faked it like a 40 year old housewife faking an orgasm. except i faked "my marriage is fine" and "this too shall pass" and "god only gives you what you can handle". faked it like a flipping champ.

i was not fine.

that fall, i walked into a courtroom with my oldest daughter's dad. we were together before mr. mac and i got married (clearly). we have not said more than 4 words to each other in about10 years. for the first time in 10 years we made real eye contact. in that moment we realized we had really screwed up. trying to be married to someone else was by far the dumbest thing we had ever done. so we stopped. i filed for my divorce within weeks. my michael became just that again.

heidi ihde did me a favor. she took away the life i was never meant to be in, but i still hate her for lying to me. i still hate her for hurting my children. i still hate her for being less than a woman and never facing me. i still hate her petty ways and her insults to me, the nerve. she slept with my husband and lied to hers. yet, she has the audacity to be mean to me? patently crazy.

mr. mac, i forgive him the affair. he is just a weak man, he was manipulated by a woman smarter and larger than he was. mr. mac is not so smart. pretty. god he was pretty, but not social like me. not determined like me. just an ass like me. he was my best friend which was never enough for him. he wanted to be my michael. which he could never be.

now as i wake up to my michael again. i smile.

but there are days i realize, i must deal with all of this residual bullshit and self esteem sucking behavior of others. i cannot control other so called adults. but i can control how i deal with their fall out. i have to stop controlling it with lack of food or running until i have clots in my feet. i have to stop controlling it by worrying about my michael or my children day in and day out.

see why i need this i am all over the place. maybe i should bullet list. sort through what i want to discuss and spill my guts on....

• mr. mac then
• mr. mac now
• my michael-old school
• my michael-now
• my michael's nutty ex wife
• heidi ihde and her husband antagonizing me
• heidi ihde the liar
• heidi ihde the common gutter slut
• my eating issues now
• my exercise issues now
• life goes on.....

here we go.....

i will try and make sense of all of this.

like that will happen. none of my life makes sense.
at least i can tame the ocd...by sorting.